


Fading to Black...

by Deansimpallagrl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Dead Sam Winchester, Demon Deals, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 11:18:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deansimpallagrl/pseuds/Deansimpallagrl
Summary: Dean Winchester must make a choice.  He lost his brother but what will he do to get him back?





	Fading to Black...

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end of Season 2 just a little piece of the cannon with my own spin. I hope you enjoy it. I want to give a big THANK YOU to PeppermintMermaid for betaing for me. You are the best!!

Dean is behind the wheel of Baby, the engine rumbling but he isn’t moving. His head is resting on the steering wheel as he cries, feeling the anger and confusion bubbling up inside him. He tried so hard to get to Sam. He should have been able to stop all this from happening. If he had died after the accident like he was supposed to maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe his life would have been enough for the demon. He can’t stop his brain from running in circles. He can still feel Sam’s cold skin under his hands when he carried him to the mattress. He can smell death on his clothes even now. He quickly opens the door and vomits bile and the little food he could choke down on the ground outside the car. What is he supposed to do? He spits and then pulls the door closed, staring blankly out into the night. He can’t move forward or go back in to sit staring at Sam’s corpse. He is so lost without Sam. 

His purpose has always been to take care of Sam. His dad gave him that order when he was only 4. He felt that was his main purpose here. He had fucked it up so many times before. Sam had run away on his watch and gotten hurt more than once. Every time Dean had failed taking care of Sammy, those were the worst moments of his life. Not only did he beat himself up but John showed him a level of anger that was scary. John always had a low level of frustration but when it came to Sam he went nuclear. Dean had a hard time understanding when he was younger why his dad got so mad. As he got older, he realized it was anger born out of fear. John was so afraid of losing his youngest son that he exploded at Dean. Dean kept the anger towards himself going after they lost their father. This time was no different and he felt like he was drowning in ice water. It filled him up so he felt like he couldn’t breathe and his feet couldn’t move. His cell phone rings and he jumps in the seat, pulling it out and sighs. It is Bobby’s number again.

“What?” Dean’s voice is neutral and clipped; he doesn’t want to talk to Bobby but feels like he has to.

“I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you are ok, boy.” Bobby knows how shaken Dean is but he also knows that Dean will be desperate. He doesn’t want to let Dean get lost in his own head and do something stupid.

“I am fine, Bobby. I am a big boy, I can handle myself.” Dean has tears streaming down his face because Bobby’s voice is home to him. He aches to be held by someone and told it will be ok. He also has a stubborn streak so deep in him he can’t ask for this from Bobby.

“I know you can handle yourself but I need to know you aren’t doing some fool idjit thing. I know you are cooking up something. Just wait for me to get there.” Bobby has his foot to the floor racing to get back to Dean. He had left for food and he had debated for a long time if he should leave him alone. Bobby knew that Dean would do anything for Sam and eventually a thought would enter his head that needed to be stopped.

“Look, Bobby, I know what you are thinking and you just need to back off.” Dean hangs up the phone on Bobby because he can’t take the pity in Bobby’s voice anymore. He turns off the car and gets out, careful not to step into his mess. He goes back to the house they laid Sam out in, but he can’t go inside just yet. He has to work himself up for the smell and the lack of sounds. He can’t take much more of this before his mind just snaps and he goes mad with grief. He wants to go and do something crazy for Sam. He feels it like an itch under his skin. He knows why he shouldn’t, but if he didn’t know Bobby was on his way he would do just that. He is not sure how to live without Sam. 

Nobody knows it but he and Sam are much more connected than is normal in brothers. They have a very deep bond that Dean has never been able to explain to anyone properly. He also doesn’t talk about his feelings so he doesn’t have to explain. His love for Sam started out as a brotherly and protective love; a love he always had in his heart. He has watched Sam grow up from an infant to a boy and beyond. 

As Sam got older Dean began to have thoughts he knows he shouldn’t have. He cut himself just to get his mind off those thoughts. The pain and the smell of blood are soothing to him now. It makes him feel more focused. He managed to keep these thoughts away since he had to go hunting with his Dad anyway and wasn’t always around Sam. He left the thoughts deep inside him and locked them in as he began to become more obsessed with his mother’s killer. 

His sexual urges were reserved for women he could use and leave behind without another thought. What he didn’t realize was most of those women were dark-haired and willowy with hazel eyes. His unconscious mind chose replacements for Sammy. Dean just wanted to fly below the radar and keep away from the prying eyes of his father. Most hunters see much more than what is on the surface. 

He knew if he wasn’t acting like a normal teenage straight boy that his Dad would know and he would never see Sam again. The world does not look kindly on being gay, and even less kindly on being in love with your brother. 

It, of course, helped greatly when Sam took off for Stanford. Dean had been fighting his need to confess to Sam and when he was gone Dean cried from sadness as much as relief. He could keep from soiling his little brother with his sick thoughts. He put even more of himself into hunting, and so kept his heart locked up. He also began to drink a little more which pleased John Winchester to no end. His son was a ladies man and could hold his liquor. They had more than a few nights breaking hearts and getting wasted. 

Dean heard an engine approaching and he shook himself out of his thoughts. He walked back in, avoiding looking at his brother. He looked out the window until he felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder.

“Come on, Dean, let‘s have something to eat. Then get Sam home for a proper hunter‘s funeral.” Bobby tried to squeeze Dean’s shoulder for comfort but Dean spun around throwing off his hand.

“No! We are not burning him!” Dean felt like he was going to explode. He threw a nearby chair into a corner.

“We can’t leave him much longer. He deserves to be sent off like we did for your father.” Bobby knows that John Winchester is a touchy subject for both boys but he wants to make Dean understand it is the right thing to do here.

“You can’t do that to me. My job was to take care of him and look what happened.” Dean spun away catching a glimpse of Sammy and tears ran down his face as he bent over with the force of his grief.

“You know you couldn’t do anything about this. He was taken, and we are lucky you were able to see where.” Bobby was still confused about how he was able to see that, he can worry about that later.

“I get it but I can’t do that, not yet. Why don’t you just leave me alone, Bobby? I just can’t let go, not yet.” He feels Bobby walk up and try to hug him and he can’t let himself be comforted for this mistake. He pushes Bobby back with anger and then realizes from the look on the old hunter‘s face he had gone too far.

“I’m sorry, Bobby, I am but you need to give me time please, I am begging you.” Dean doesn’t know how much time, but he needs time to figure out what he will do about all this.

“Eat something before you pass out while no one’s around to pick up your dumb ass! You know where I’ll be.” Bobby nods at Dean and knows he shouldn’t leave. He is not going to fight with Dean. He needs to get back to figuring out how to solve their demon issues. He looks at Sam and lets a tear of his own fall as he heads for the drive home.

Dean hears Bobby leaving and he sighs because he really doesn’t have much more time left. If he wants to fix this he has to make a decision and act on it. He goes and sits on a chair by the mattress they put Sam on. He has so many things he wanted to say to Sam. This may be the only time to get it off his chest even if Sam can’t hear him. He puts his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. 

“Sammy, my one job was to keep you safe. I fucked that up. I tried so hard to keep away from you. I love you, Sammy. I love you more than a brother. You might not ever want to hear that from me, but I have been holding these feelings inside for so long. It was torturing me not to tell you how important you are to me. You are the smartest person I have ever known. You saved me with that brain so many times. But, I never got to hold you and kiss you. I imagined it a million times. I have the scars to show how many times I hurt myself to stop those thoughts. I know you thought it was just hunting wounds. I let you because I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you with my horrible thoughts. What am I going to do? What am I supposed to DO?!” Dean suddenly surges up out of the chair and blindly heads for his car. 

He can’t do this anymore, he can’t wait around for someone else to help him. He must do the unthinkable and save Sam. He knows his dad did the same thing for him. He knows he has all the ingredients to summon a demon but he needs to find a crossroads and quickly. He doesn’t know for sure how long is too long before no deal can be made. He speeds to the nearest spot and digs the hole putting his box in and covering it.

“Well, look what we have here. Dean Winchester to ask me for something. It must be important. I am guessing you need help burying Sam before he gets too ripe?” The crossroads demon is taunting Dean and enjoying the pain flowing from Dean like waves of heat off the pavement. 

“Very funny, you know what I want. I want Sammy back.” Dean doesn’t know quite what to expect so he fidgets but has his game face on. He is desperate, and he doesn’t want that to show.

“So, you want to be just like Daddy then?” The demon loves to see the pain on Dean’s face.

“I think a 10-year contract for my soul should cover it.” Dean knows that is not going to happen but he can hope.

“Your tarnished gutter soul is not worth that much Dean. Your dad didn’t even get that kind of deal.” She grins at Dean eating up his desperation.

“8 years.” This is going downhill fast.

“Nope, no deal.” Her evil smile is growing.

“5 then, and that is my final offer.” Dean is panicked, he must make this trade. There is no living without Sam.

“No deal. I guess you better get back and bury Sam before he starts stinking up the joint.” The demon turns her back and walks away.

“Wait! What do I need to do?” Dean knows this can’t be good, but he will do whatever it takes.

“Ahh a fire sale, everything must go. I have a soft spot for you Dean. Like a puppy, you are just too fun to play with. I shouldn’t do this but, I can do one year and one year only. And if you try to welch or weasel out of this deal in any way Sam drops dead and is back to worm food in no time.” She is so close pressed up against Dean, but little does she know that women are not his weakness.

Dean looks over her face then nods and pulls her in for the bruising, punishing kiss that will seal this deal. As soon as they break the seal of lips Dean turns and runs for the Impala. He must get back to Sam, he has to touch him and see him. 

As he speeds towards the cabin he can only think of what it will feel like to touch Sammy, warm and in his arms. He had Metallica playing as he was driving but he wasn’t paying attention until the first few chords of Fade To Black comes on. He loves the song but hadn’t really paid much attention to the lyrics before. James Hetfield‘s voice is hypnotic and the pain he shows as he sings speaks to Dean. He listens closely to the tale of a person at the end of their rope feeling like nothing is left but death. He feels the music inside him, resonating with him. He has done the deal and saved his brother. It hurts so bad that he will not be around long enough to see Sam grow older. All the emptiness Dean has been feeling inside is agony. His dad is gone because he saved Dean, and then he goes and saves his brother the same way. But, what was he supposed to do?

As he pulls up outside the house he can see movement inside and his heart leaps up in his throat. He barely gets her into park before throwing the door open and running inside. 

He gets in the door and sees Sam looking confused. Dean rushes to him and pulls him in for a crushing bear hug. Tears are running down Dean’s face. Sam pulls him away with a frown.

“What happened, Dean?” Sam has tears in his eyes watching Dean’s face.

“You were almost dead, Sammy. What do you remember?” Dean breathes and wipes away the tears. He has to step away even as his body wants to hold on to Sam and never let go. He feels dizzy with relief.

“I remember that guy putting a knife in my back and you running at me. It was white hot but then nothing until I woke up.” Sam’s confusion needs to be explained away so he doesn’t find out what Dean has done. 

“It was touch and go, Sammy, for a bit. Bobby patched you up. I need to say something to you. I have held it in too long, Sammy. I love you with all my heart. Hate me if you want to, I know I hate myself. You are so much more to me and I almost lost you.” Dean pulls him in for another hug letting more tears fall. He doesn’t want to see Sam’s face at this moment. He is afraid of what he might see there.

 

“Dean, I thought you would never say it. I have loved you and hold it inside. I left this family because I couldn’t live with this burden. I never thought you felt the same way.” Sam was crying too but with a huge smile. 

“Sammy, this is a huge thing and you are still recovering so let’s take this slow. Let’s eat and see how it goes.” Dean feels the boulder of guilt sliding off his heart a little. Maybe there was hope but they still have many more problems to deal with before this can be examined. 

They let go of each other and Dean looks in Sam’s eyes and knows he is truly loved and he can’t believe it is true. They will have time later to explore, but for now, there is work to do.


End file.
